Perspective

Yesterday Gerren and discovered an injured fawn along the road.  It was unable to get up and with patches of fur missing from spots looked like it had been attacked by another animal.  I left messages for my veterinarean dad and while we waited for him, we moved slowly and spoke softly around her.   Gerren was interested and thoughtful.  I was attached.  I wanted to honor the life in the deer and held the vision that we could care for it and release it back to it's habitat after healing.

When dad arrived he could tell that a front leg was "shattered" and the fawn would have to be shot.  I have had an enormous shift in perspective in the last few years and, saw the possibility of the fawn being cared for and the life passing peacefully or healing and going back to the forest.

Shooting the animal made perfect sense from dad's perspective that "we've been given dominion over the animals" and that "we need to eliminate it's suffering".  He is a compassionate being and he listened to my point-of-view in that way.  My sharing didn't alter his perspective.

I quickly made peace with what was going to happen.  But what I didn't expect was Gerren's request to "go with papa" when he shot the fawn.

It is not what I would choose for her AND she is her own being.   After a short conversation with dad about her going with him, they walked out the door.

I cried at the many thoughts that crowded my head, "couldn't we do something different?", "how could Gerren want to see what she was about to see?", etc... all the while, knowing that it's the perspective that each of us was holding, that had us act in the way we were.

A few minutes later, Gerren bounded in the door, with smiles and happiness that had me in awe.  She certainly didn't have in her head what I had in mine about the death of the fawn.
And I didn't want her to.  

What I want for her is to flow through life with ease in the face of whatever comes, and today she did just that.

Perspective.

Don't Touch the Screen!

When I'm at the laptop and Gerren touches the screen, I gently guide her hand away or say, "Don't touch the screen".

Sometimes she removes her hand, and sometime she protests.

Today as she was watching her baby cousin toddle on a video we'd just received, she placed her full hand on the image. At first I thought she was pushing him away or trying to cover the image so I couldn't see it.

Then she said, "How do we get Quentin through our home?"

Just like when we read books and she cried because she couldn't go swimming in the pool, or hold the baby in the book.

I responded, "He's here now. Whenever you see him or think of him, he's here. And when we go visit and you play with him, he's with you in a different way."

She watched the 39 second clip over and over with her hand gently touching the screen. Simply connected.

The Insanity of Anger....Over Blueberries?

There I was in corpse pose (lying completely relaxed on the floor), 2 minutes from completing my yoga practice.

Gerren: "Mom I'm hungry." Me: "ok, look in the fridge for what you'd like". Gerren: I want blueberries."

The thoughts came to mind: "Don't get any on your dress. She'll scream about taking her dress off to clean it." Then..."let it go"...still in my yoga position but hardly present to the peace of the moment.

Gerren walks into the living room, carrying the bag of blueberries that had been frozen & were not thawed.

Then I saw it:

"New rug, hole in the bag, blueberry drips on the rug, trying to get the stain out, failing to get the stain out, husband upset."

I requested, "Please take those in the kitchen". Gerren responded, as she often does, "NO!" with a scowl.

I jumped up from my peaceful posture and made an intense request..."GERREN take those into the kitchen!" Then, giving away my lack of presence I blurted, "Do you see I'm frustrated?!?"

She just looked at me.

Then I saw it. The true reality, in her eyes. She held the intact bag of blueberries, looking at me with a bit of fear and a lot of confusion.

"Wow" I said, "I am not upset at you, I am upset because of the thoughts I created." "I thought...." and I proceeded to fill her in on the gap between her joy about the blueberries and my anger about the possibility of mess, stain, unhappy people etc...

"And none of that is what happened. I love you."

"Do you understand?"

She nodded.

Mathilda and the Orange Balloon

This book by Randall de Seve is brilliant. We give it as a gift to every child who invites Gerren to a party. The essence of the story....anything is possible.

Here the book is newly wrapped for our friend Sadie Mae. We wrapped it with it's own cover from the same book that Gerren has. We always recycle book covers because they get in our way and this was a perfect opportunity for recycling creativity.

The bright card on the top right is Sadie May's created invitation transformed into a gorgeous gift label.

Screaming Epiphany

In our 2nd week of transitioning from diapers to underwear, Gerren has shown me a new flavor of screaming (i.e. communication). Yesterday it happened while she sat on a swing and in the middle of the night. It has seemed to be about something that makes no sense. "I want a cookie!!!" at 5am. "UNDERDOG!!" on the swing, when I've just given her my highest push.

With each of these episodes I listened to Gerren. I empathized. And after some seconds, out of her mouth she'd yell, "I NEED TO GO POTTY!!".

For Crying Out Loud!, the project I began when Gerren was 14 months has come full circle. When I created it, I envisioned the world full of people being empathic with screaming children. I envisioned parents placing tantrums into the same category as peeing; a human expression and a necessary outlet for child wellness.

A few months into Project For Crying Out Loud, I realized that when Gerren cried I distracted her with one of two things: food or activity. "Do you want some raisins?" "C'mon honey, let's go for a walk". Unaware, I was teaching her to disconnect from her emotions.

I came to understand what I was teaching her after it hit me one day. In a very angry moment, I found myself, standing in front of the open fridge searching for something to devour. Then, I made the connection to cleaning the house at mock speeds when I'm angry. Eating and activity were MY learned ways of disconnecting from emotion.

After several episodes of what seemed to be odd upsets, my subsequent empathy, and ultimately "I NEED TO GO POTTY", the epiphany landed on my forehead.

When she was a baby, trying to tell me she had to go potty with her cries*, I misinterpreted her communication and offered food or activity. Her brain developed the association of needing to go potty, with receiving food or activity. So, it makes sense that she would ask for food or activity when she just needs to pee.

NOW when she screams for what seem to be unusual reasons, I gently pick her up and head toward the bathroom.

It's a reminder to me that when I think I know, at times I really have no idea what Gerren's experiencing. She's one of the most articulate 2 year-olds I know, and yet to be fully understood, she requires the room to express herself fully (i.e. without distraction or punishment). The end result is always connection. Simply connected....that's us.

* Elimination communication resources report that babies cry to communicate the need to eliminate.

Diaper Drama 2: The first week

Gerren took on the no-diapers like a professional. Granted, there were moments of "I want a diaper". An empathic "ahhh we don't have any" was all she needed to stay with the new practice of wearing underwear and peeing in the toilet. Acknowledging her generosity to the earth, "mother nature is so happy" brings a smile too.

It's been one week and Gerren has mastered most aspects of life without diapers. She awakens dry, she tells me she needs to go when we're not at home, & she uses the toilet when she's with other people.

Today while peeing outside, she learned that widening her legs and standing vertical, risks peeing down her leg and into her shoe. Squatting will be our next practice :)

And then there's pooping. Letting the poop out has been a challenge. This was the case even with diapers. Yesterday, after the third pair of streaked underwear, we talked about it.

Mom: I'm not sure why, but it seems like you don't want to let the poop out.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: There are times I can tell the poop wants to come out. Like when you say, "I hurt" or "I'm tired" and you walk like this (hunched over waddle)

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: It looks uncomfortable and then you don't like it when we have to clean your bottom.

Do you want to have a breakthrough?

Gerren: Nods yes

Mom: Alright! Would it be ok, if when I see the poop wants to come out, I pick you up and say, "let's go sit on the toilet".

Gerren: Nods yes

Today we implemented the plan. After 3 books, Gerren stripping off all her clothes, requesting to get in the bath, and trying to leaving the bathroom a few times, she delivered poop.

I matched her excitement about it with my outward "you pooped in the toilet" and inside I celebrated wildly.

This, paired with my slacks bursting to expose my left butt cheek at playgroup, made Friday with the Gilbert's, a day to remember.

Diaper Drama

Today, after 1 more screaming episode over the diaper changing routine, we talked about "diaper drama". She requests new diapers each time she pees. When she poops we offer, "let's go change your diaper" and she declines. We have an elaborate system of water flushing (instead of wipes) to clean her after she poops in her diaper. She knows how to tell us when she needs to pee or poop but until today she has not been inspired to go without diapers.

Background of our inspirational conversation:

WHO MOVED MY CHEESE. It's a children's book about 4 mouse friends in a maze searching for magical cheese. When they find it at Cheese Station C, two of the mice (Hem & Haw) think it will last forever. The other two (Sniff & Scurry) diligently measure the cheese to know how much is left and sniff it to determine it's freshness. Each night the friends go home and return each day to consume more cheese. One day the cheese is gone.

Sniff & Scurry, who've been measuring and sniffing, aren't surprised and happily move on to look for new cheese that will be "better than the old cheese".

Hem and Haw flip their lids! They expected the cheese to always be there and they stay in Cheese Station C waiting for someone to put their cheese back.

Today Gerren yelled as we changed her diaper. Remembering the above message the following dialogue ensued.

Mom: Wow. You don't like changing your diaper. It's so frustrating for you. It's ok for you to keep using diapers and to be frustrated except it's not working for you.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: We could be like Hem & Haw and stay in Cheese Station C when it's not where we want to be or we could go find new cheese.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: (Animated) New cheese could be wearing underwear or nothing at all. You could pee and poop in the potty or if you pee on the floor we can clean it up. That would be new cheese.

Gerren: (Smiling)

Mom: Or you could pee outside like Joe does. That would be new cheese. Or we could get a little toilet seat for the big toilet instead of using the little toilet. That would be new cheese.

Gerren: (Bigger smile, throws her hands in the air) YES!!

We agreed that when the diapers are gone we will think of the earth, celebrate new cheese and pee and poop without diapers.

More later...