2017 Perception

I bundled up for the frigid 6am walk.  After having seen horrific images of murdered children and adults in Syria and waking to thoughts of a loved one murdered in the past year, I set out to walk alone, in the dark for an hour.  Walking through the garage I felt the contraction of fearful thoughts & waivered, "maybe today I'll stay home".   Then I heard my friend Jimmy in my head.  He was singing, "Light I am"...a statement that moved me to thoughts of "I love people", "my Light will shift any intent to harm", "there is no harm, these are automatic thoughts in response to a loss and seeing those pictures".   My step quickened.  I became present & felt the sting of the biting wind on my face.  And I got to navigate icy streets.

Most of the ice had melted from the roadways....and on the steepest inclines shaded by trees the road was like a bobsled track.  In the quiet, my steps made sounds that sounded like thunder to me.  Ice had formed in the shape of tire tread.  Great traction.  Thunderous sound.   I felt shock sensations as reactions to fearful thoughts.  Thoughts of waking someone in the quiet neighborhood and upsetting them.  I noticed the thought and let it go.

I reached my destination....a high point looking out over a city.  Lights twinkled below as if cheering the success of my trek.  Going down the slippery slope, I faced the fear of falling and discovered a way to move that nurtured my knees and lower body as I walked.  And this new way would come in handy on any surface...slippery or not.

Returning home popsicle-esque and happy, I zipped up the stairs to my apartment and sat quietly in the power of all that had been discovered and accomplished in the walk.

This year I will interupt perceptions that cause me to apologize unconsciously, be nice to others in a  way that sacrifices myself, live in limitation, view myself as a poor communicator, be responsible for others actions, over-explain, and experience overwhelm.  It's already an amazing year. 

Limits on my love...and our family in Syria

My daughter yells, "NO! I'm not taking a shower!  And you can't make me!"

Moments like these have shown me where my ability to listen and express kindness is limited.  Thoughts, words, and actions of force, have won out at times.

I'm grateful for the learning I've done that has me feel peaceful when my child boldly declares her commitments now.  Deep breathing, thinking of her passionate stand as "underdeveloped leadership skills", and caring for myself have all contributed.

Today I discovered a new limit on my love...my perceived suffering of others.

When I hear of an event where people (especially children) are "hurt", I have been overtaken with emotions of sadness, grief, empathy.  In that state I am incapable of feeling peaceful.  The life within me (aka: soul, spirit) that consists of infinite love...I cannot feel.

Tomorrow (February 1, 2016) at 7am PST, my friend James will be overlooking villages of Syria as he resonates love from songs of peace with leaders of multiple faiths.

To feel peace for our Syrian family, I envision children there giggling & playing, joy-filled conversations at community meals, and people appreciating their neighbors in daily routines.

Here's a piece he did on Affirmative Prayer, to support the vision of tomorrow's concert.

Join in. Here's how: February 1 Details

❤️

New Beginning

Today I write inspired by an extraordinary new partnership.  I'd tell you it's a partnership with God, but I understand that you may not want to read much further because when I say God, you hear a )%*!-up version of God in your mind.

How can I say such a thing?!?

I can say such a thing, because until 4 weeks ago, I had a *&$#!-up version of God in my head.  My version said we're all sinners, with the threat of punishment looming, and if we don't repent, then we could end up in hell.   That is not God.

What's my intention in writing today?  To share the process of simply connecting with my highest Self.   Simple yes. Easy no.

Since 2003 when I discovered that what I'd made up about myself, others, and life was not the truth, I've been seeking.  The way I said it last month was, "I'm seeking what resonates with my heart".    I've learned much in the last 12 years of experiential learning through ontology (the science of being), emotional intelligence training, somatic discovery (I.e joyful moment) and more.

Four weeks ago, an unexpected grieving experience set the stage for healing I didn't even know I needed.  I had a new person in my life who I admired for his commitments and quickly began to see a future with him. After six days of new love he became completely unavailable for two weeks...uncertain if I would be part of his life thereafter.

I had no idea the emotional triggers this would pull.

What looked like a grieving experience about him, became a grieving experience that healed my former two marriages, healed a life lived from a little-girl perspective that she couldn't have what she wanted. And the most impactful....by looking at the grief (and not running to affection  from another man, or stuffing my face with food, or distracting myself with being busy), I got to complete what I had made God mean as a child.  I had created a separation from divine wisdom when I was taken by the messages of love, peace, and anything being possible....yet didn't see anyone around me living it.

Yay for completing the past!

Two weeks ago, I went from wanting a relationship with a man, to feeling the most loved and partnered in my life....without a man.   Since that shift I have looked into the crevices of my life and been deep cleaning.  I've released commitments that are not aligned with this phase of the journey.  I've released myself from obligation to communicate with people out of my tendency to be nice.   I've been present with myself, my daughter, and people I encounter, in a way I can never remember being.

I AM love. This is the beginning of a journey to create beyond ordinary, in partnership with a Higher Intelligence, for something greater than I can envision now.

I love you.  I bless you.  Stay tuned if you feel to.

Naked Parachuting

Gerren leaps from the back of the couch onto the open sofa-bed. Her friend joins her in the glee.

Thud!

Giggle.

(repeat)

Parachuters are in the house.

A thought enters one's mind. It comes out in, "NAKED PARACHUTERS!"

Every article of clothing comes off. Her friend ponders the idea....and strips.

I sit watching this awesome display of joy, freedom, playful expression.

The other mama arrives. She revels in the beauty of what we're observing.

The energy shifts to other activities. I close up the couch, young ones dress over time.  Dinner arrives. Dads join.

The thought and words arise again, "NAKED PARACHUTING!"

The young ones demand, "WATCH ME!" and the four adults watch. I laugh out loud at the thought of roles reversed. Young ones observing and the adults leaping naked, blissfully connected only to the passion of doing so.

Thank you young life.

Perspective

Yesterday Gerren and discovered an injured fawn along the road.  It was unable to get up and with patches of fur missing from spots looked like it had been attacked by another animal.  I left messages for my veterinarean dad and while we waited for him, we moved slowly and spoke softly around her.   Gerren was interested and thoughtful.  I was attached.  I wanted to honor the life in the deer and held the vision that we could care for it and release it back to it's habitat after healing.

When dad arrived he could tell that a front leg was "shattered" and the fawn would have to be shot.  I have had an enormous shift in perspective in the last few years and, saw the possibility of the fawn being cared for and the life passing peacefully or healing and going back to the forest.

Shooting the animal made perfect sense from dad's perspective that "we've been given dominion over the animals" and that "we need to eliminate it's suffering".  He is a compassionate being and he listened to my point-of-view in that way.  My sharing didn't alter his perspective.

I quickly made peace with what was going to happen.  But what I didn't expect was Gerren's request to "go with papa" when he shot the fawn.

It is not what I would choose for her AND she is her own being.   After a short conversation with dad about her going with him, they walked out the door.

I cried at the many thoughts that crowded my head, "couldn't we do something different?", "how could Gerren want to see what she was about to see?", etc... all the while, knowing that it's the perspective that each of us was holding, that had us act in the way we were.

A few minutes later, Gerren bounded in the door, with smiles and happiness that had me in awe.  She certainly didn't have in her head what I had in mine about the death of the fawn.
And I didn't want her to.  

What I want for her is to flow through life with ease in the face of whatever comes, and today she did just that.

Perspective.

Don't Touch the Screen!

When I'm at the laptop and Gerren touches the screen, I gently guide her hand away or say, "Don't touch the screen".

Sometimes she removes her hand, and sometime she protests.

Today as she was watching her baby cousin toddle on a video we'd just received, she placed her full hand on the image. At first I thought she was pushing him away or trying to cover the image so I couldn't see it.

Then she said, "How do we get Quentin through our home?"

Just like when we read books and she cried because she couldn't go swimming in the pool, or hold the baby in the book.

I responded, "He's here now. Whenever you see him or think of him, he's here. And when we go visit and you play with him, he's with you in a different way."

She watched the 39 second clip over and over with her hand gently touching the screen. Simply connected.

The Insanity of Anger....Over Blueberries?

There I was in corpse pose (lying completely relaxed on the floor), 2 minutes from completing my yoga practice.

Gerren: "Mom I'm hungry." Me: "ok, look in the fridge for what you'd like". Gerren: I want blueberries."

The thoughts came to mind: "Don't get any on your dress. She'll scream about taking her dress off to clean it." Then..."let it go"...still in my yoga position but hardly present to the peace of the moment.

Gerren walks into the living room, carrying the bag of blueberries that had been frozen & were not thawed.

Then I saw it:

"New rug, hole in the bag, blueberry drips on the rug, trying to get the stain out, failing to get the stain out, husband upset."

I requested, "Please take those in the kitchen". Gerren responded, as she often does, "NO!" with a scowl.

I jumped up from my peaceful posture and made an intense request..."GERREN take those into the kitchen!" Then, giving away my lack of presence I blurted, "Do you see I'm frustrated?!?"

She just looked at me.

Then I saw it. The true reality, in her eyes. She held the intact bag of blueberries, looking at me with a bit of fear and a lot of confusion.

"Wow" I said, "I am not upset at you, I am upset because of the thoughts I created." "I thought...." and I proceeded to fill her in on the gap between her joy about the blueberries and my anger about the possibility of mess, stain, unhappy people etc...

"And none of that is what happened. I love you."

"Do you understand?"

She nodded.