The Insanity of Anger....Over Blueberries?

There I was in corpse pose (lying completely relaxed on the floor), 2 minutes from completing my yoga practice.

Gerren: "Mom I'm hungry." Me: "ok, look in the fridge for what you'd like". Gerren: I want blueberries."

The thoughts came to mind: "Don't get any on your dress. She'll scream about taking her dress off to clean it." Then..."let it go"...still in my yoga position but hardly present to the peace of the moment.

Gerren walks into the living room, carrying the bag of blueberries that had been frozen & were not thawed.

Then I saw it:

"New rug, hole in the bag, blueberry drips on the rug, trying to get the stain out, failing to get the stain out, husband upset."

I requested, "Please take those in the kitchen". Gerren responded, as she often does, "NO!" with a scowl.

I jumped up from my peaceful posture and made an intense request..."GERREN take those into the kitchen!" Then, giving away my lack of presence I blurted, "Do you see I'm frustrated?!?"

She just looked at me.

Then I saw it. The true reality, in her eyes. She held the intact bag of blueberries, looking at me with a bit of fear and a lot of confusion.

"Wow" I said, "I am not upset at you, I am upset because of the thoughts I created." "I thought...." and I proceeded to fill her in on the gap between her joy about the blueberries and my anger about the possibility of mess, stain, unhappy people etc...

"And none of that is what happened. I love you."

"Do you understand?"

She nodded.

Mathilda and the Orange Balloon

This book by Randall de Seve is brilliant. We give it as a gift to every child who invites Gerren to a party. The essence of the story....anything is possible.

Here the book is newly wrapped for our friend Sadie Mae. We wrapped it with it's own cover from the same book that Gerren has. We always recycle book covers because they get in our way and this was a perfect opportunity for recycling creativity.

The bright card on the top right is Sadie May's created invitation transformed into a gorgeous gift label.

Screaming Epiphany

In our 2nd week of transitioning from diapers to underwear, Gerren has shown me a new flavor of screaming (i.e. communication). Yesterday it happened while she sat on a swing and in the middle of the night. It has seemed to be about something that makes no sense. "I want a cookie!!!" at 5am. "UNDERDOG!!" on the swing, when I've just given her my highest push.

With each of these episodes I listened to Gerren. I empathized. And after some seconds, out of her mouth she'd yell, "I NEED TO GO POTTY!!".

For Crying Out Loud!, the project I began when Gerren was 14 months has come full circle. When I created it, I envisioned the world full of people being empathic with screaming children. I envisioned parents placing tantrums into the same category as peeing; a human expression and a necessary outlet for child wellness.

A few months into Project For Crying Out Loud, I realized that when Gerren cried I distracted her with one of two things: food or activity. "Do you want some raisins?" "C'mon honey, let's go for a walk". Unaware, I was teaching her to disconnect from her emotions.

I came to understand what I was teaching her after it hit me one day. In a very angry moment, I found myself, standing in front of the open fridge searching for something to devour. Then, I made the connection to cleaning the house at mock speeds when I'm angry. Eating and activity were MY learned ways of disconnecting from emotion.

After several episodes of what seemed to be odd upsets, my subsequent empathy, and ultimately "I NEED TO GO POTTY", the epiphany landed on my forehead.

When she was a baby, trying to tell me she had to go potty with her cries*, I misinterpreted her communication and offered food or activity. Her brain developed the association of needing to go potty, with receiving food or activity. So, it makes sense that she would ask for food or activity when she just needs to pee.

NOW when she screams for what seem to be unusual reasons, I gently pick her up and head toward the bathroom.

It's a reminder to me that when I think I know, at times I really have no idea what Gerren's experiencing. She's one of the most articulate 2 year-olds I know, and yet to be fully understood, she requires the room to express herself fully (i.e. without distraction or punishment). The end result is always connection. Simply connected....that's us.

* Elimination communication resources report that babies cry to communicate the need to eliminate.

Diaper Drama 2: The first week

Gerren took on the no-diapers like a professional. Granted, there were moments of "I want a diaper". An empathic "ahhh we don't have any" was all she needed to stay with the new practice of wearing underwear and peeing in the toilet. Acknowledging her generosity to the earth, "mother nature is so happy" brings a smile too.

It's been one week and Gerren has mastered most aspects of life without diapers. She awakens dry, she tells me she needs to go when we're not at home, & she uses the toilet when she's with other people.

Today while peeing outside, she learned that widening her legs and standing vertical, risks peeing down her leg and into her shoe. Squatting will be our next practice :)

And then there's pooping. Letting the poop out has been a challenge. This was the case even with diapers. Yesterday, after the third pair of streaked underwear, we talked about it.

Mom: I'm not sure why, but it seems like you don't want to let the poop out.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: There are times I can tell the poop wants to come out. Like when you say, "I hurt" or "I'm tired" and you walk like this (hunched over waddle)

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: It looks uncomfortable and then you don't like it when we have to clean your bottom.

Do you want to have a breakthrough?

Gerren: Nods yes

Mom: Alright! Would it be ok, if when I see the poop wants to come out, I pick you up and say, "let's go sit on the toilet".

Gerren: Nods yes

Today we implemented the plan. After 3 books, Gerren stripping off all her clothes, requesting to get in the bath, and trying to leaving the bathroom a few times, she delivered poop.

I matched her excitement about it with my outward "you pooped in the toilet" and inside I celebrated wildly.

This, paired with my slacks bursting to expose my left butt cheek at playgroup, made Friday with the Gilbert's, a day to remember.

Diaper Drama

Today, after 1 more screaming episode over the diaper changing routine, we talked about "diaper drama". She requests new diapers each time she pees. When she poops we offer, "let's go change your diaper" and she declines. We have an elaborate system of water flushing (instead of wipes) to clean her after she poops in her diaper. She knows how to tell us when she needs to pee or poop but until today she has not been inspired to go without diapers.

Background of our inspirational conversation:

WHO MOVED MY CHEESE. It's a children's book about 4 mouse friends in a maze searching for magical cheese. When they find it at Cheese Station C, two of the mice (Hem & Haw) think it will last forever. The other two (Sniff & Scurry) diligently measure the cheese to know how much is left and sniff it to determine it's freshness. Each night the friends go home and return each day to consume more cheese. One day the cheese is gone.

Sniff & Scurry, who've been measuring and sniffing, aren't surprised and happily move on to look for new cheese that will be "better than the old cheese".

Hem and Haw flip their lids! They expected the cheese to always be there and they stay in Cheese Station C waiting for someone to put their cheese back.

Today Gerren yelled as we changed her diaper. Remembering the above message the following dialogue ensued.

Mom: Wow. You don't like changing your diaper. It's so frustrating for you. It's ok for you to keep using diapers and to be frustrated except it's not working for you.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: We could be like Hem & Haw and stay in Cheese Station C when it's not where we want to be or we could go find new cheese.

Gerren: (Listening)

Mom: (Animated) New cheese could be wearing underwear or nothing at all. You could pee and poop in the potty or if you pee on the floor we can clean it up. That would be new cheese.

Gerren: (Smiling)

Mom: Or you could pee outside like Joe does. That would be new cheese. Or we could get a little toilet seat for the big toilet instead of using the little toilet. That would be new cheese.

Gerren: (Bigger smile, throws her hands in the air) YES!!

We agreed that when the diapers are gone we will think of the earth, celebrate new cheese and pee and poop without diapers.

More later...

Building Toddler Self-Esteem

Gerren stood in the entryway of a store.

My automatic reaction in these situations is to say, "honey move please, there are people who need to walk through". It never seemed to meet my goal of causing connection between us or with others.

Then I saw an opportunity.

A man walked up behind her. He smiled and waited. She didn't know he was there and she didn't move. He looked at me. I smiled and said, "If you ask her, she'll move".

It was a moment of simple connectedness. Me to him, him to Gerren. And what I didn't see until later is the connection that Gerren gets, the relationship to herself that builds, as she has successful interactions.

It happens daily now. "How old is she?" "What's her name?" people ask.

Saying, "she'll tell you" makes them feel safe because I've given permission. When they talk to her, she gets to grow her self-esteem and communication skills. Judging from the smiles on their faces, they're getting some benefit too.

It's taken several trials for her to answer on her own. And sometimes she still refuses to answer. When that happens, I answer the question. The unsaid message is, it's ok to talk with people AND you don't have to talk to anyone.

Charter of a Simply Connected Mom

I am a child

I love children

Children love me

Play is my work

I play to get everyone's needs met

I jump, swing, giggle, run, yell

I empower unity, connection, peace

I make room for crying, tantrums, rage

I listen

I see the goodness in each child

I love mother nature

I compost

I offer organic whole food

I'm kind to bugs

I see a future where all children are treated with respect and all parents get what they need

What's Our Motto Mom?

At 2 1/2 Gerren seems to have the "toddler property laws" down.
1) If I touch it it's mine
2) If I look at it's mine
3) If I leave anything I've looked at or touched it's still mine

When we're in public, this looks like, as in yesterday's case, a screaming, writhing toddler in my arms as another child passed in the grocery store with a child-sized shopping cart.

To help her develop a mindset of abundance I've begun sharing:
" Our motto is: There's enough for everyone".

A few days back when we were with friends having a snack, she said:
"What's our motto mom?"

I replied. "Hmmm, What's our motto Gerren?"

To which she responded: "There's enough for everyone".

She understands, but knowing a concept and living it are two very different things. Stay tuned.

Jolting Presence

The swimming area at the lake was packed with families & adolescent youth. I gently pulled Gerren along in the water. She was surrounded by a fish-shaped flotation toy and followed by a friend. Our train moved slowly.

Without warning she screamed in the highest pitch, longest duration and intensity I have ever heard in her 2 & 1/2 years of life.

All activity stopped, every eye was on us. "She's ok!" I yelled. "That was delight!" I added. The crowd laughed and continued playing.

The reaction that caused everyone to stop was the same reaction I felt in my body as she screamed. Tension, worry. Then there was the parental reaction "oh, that's too loud, you'll disturb people".

Looking at her I saw pure joy. Being present to her, to all my senses, & to the concern of the group, turned a potentially stressful situation into a playful moment.

Mindfulness for Children

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
-Jon Kabat-Zinn

Gerren often experiences anxiety with new people, situations, and places. Her expression of the anxiety is a loud and clear "NO!!!" directed at the closest person, animal or bug that moves or makes a sound. I have internal reactions of anger and embarrassment that make me want to stop her when she speaks to other people or beloved pets that way. My mindfulness practices have helped me to see my intentions are to help her maintain the freedom to express herself and understand personal responsibility when this occurs. We have found one solution to be covering her ears. At age 2 1/2 she understands this clearly. Evidence of the difference that skill is making for her: Yesterday as she napped in the car a train blew it's horn. Expecting an upset response I looked in the rearview mirror to see a sleeping child with one ear pressed against the car seat and one ear covered with her small hand. She has begun to show increased confidence in situations when she realizes covering her ears are an option....like the night we were seated outdoors at a busy restaurant. Without hesitation she covered her ears, frowned, and turned to face the table of folks behind us who were being fully expressed speaking loudly. Mindfulness, the no-judgment part, worked best for me in that moment.

hard future for 11 with unmet needs

Today I met a mother at the park. She is 32 years old and expecting her 9th child. She was there with 4 of her children. Her husband yelled at and threatened the children with a switch from the parking lot. I asked the mother, "Does he use that on the children?" She replied, "oh yes, we woop them all the time otherwise they'd run all over you". I swallowed hard and listened. She was doing the best she knew to do. My mind was yelling, "I've got to say something,....what do I do?"

In the end, what I did was give her my card, invite her to call me sometime, and waved goodbye to her and her family as they left.

No one in that home is getting their needs met. It began with the parents not getting their needs met as children.

Just like all the other times I've observed angry adults with children, I ran scripts of what I could have said through my head. From pleading to demanding, nothing seemed like it would cause peace for that man and his children. Nothing short of a team of committed and loving people who have been trained to listen, listen and love. And in that moment.... nothing short of a loving statement "Dear man, do not speak that way toward your children. For you are speaking to you..... and you deserve to be spoken to with love and honor."

two 1/2 years old

Let me count the times I got to connect today with my bold toddler.

There was the moment she hit another child with her residual anger from not getting to chew on the cellphone.

There was the screaming episode that was really a request for sleep. She was out within 5 minutes.

There was the 156th time this month that she didn't want to get in the car when we needed to leave.

The "I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME" declaration.

And the 6 times she got out of bed after we said good night....finally closing her eyes at 10:11pm.

Thank you God for all those opportunities to practice love.